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Cry me a river…

Image courtesy of pfly on Flickr

I just joined the forums at Steve Pavlina’s site.  I have already found some great advice about my blog and more importantly about my life.  I have been told that my blog focuses too much on what I don’t want instead of what I do want.  I agree.  I think that it is imperative that I start focusing my attention in a positive manner, but at this time I still struggle with my emotions.  Check out the forum over there, it is a great community.  There is great advice and direction to be found.  Unfortunately, I was not able to put it in to play today.

After almost 16 years, I worked my last day at a job that had become like home.  I knew that I would be emotional when I said goodbye.  A few of the guys there had worked with me the entire time.  Many of the guys have become like brothers to me.  We didn’t really hang out away from work much, but still were a huge part of each other’s lives.  We spent countless hours talking, playing jokes and having fun.  We were there for each other for births, graduations, weddings, and deaths.  Many of my friends have moved on to other jobs.  I wonder if they felt the same anxiety that I felt today.  I was afraid the I would cry when I said goodbye but I didn’t.  When I left the parking lot for the last time, the emotions grew stronger and I could feel myself trying to hold back the tears.

I drove down the road and thoughts of “last time” this and that were in my head.  After a few minutes I called Steph to find out the details about a soccer game.  I thought hearing her voice would help make things better, but it made me realize that almost EVERYTHING in my life has changed from a year ago.  I would have been emotional leaving my job because that is the way I am, but I suddenly felt overwhelmed and extremely sad.  I was sad because I no longer have a wife that loves me and respects me as a person.  She still means the world to me and I am having a hard time forgiving myself for taking her for granted.  In retrospect I may not have had the loving wife I thought I had a year ago, I just didn’t know it.  I am no longer living in the house that has been home for over ten years.  A home that I have spent so many hours trying to improve, even though I had a hard time finishing projects.  Even though our love for each other has never been stronger, I don’t see my kids every day.  I’m not able to be there for them like I want to be.  I’m not even driving the same car I had a few months ago!

I went to thee in hopes of meditating.  By the time I parked, I was sobbing.  I felt so vulnerable and so alone.  It seemed to me that either my life had been a joke, or that I was having a bad dream.  I couldn’t meditate, I was too emotional, so I sat by the river and asked for help.  More like I begged for help, cried out for help.  I have not cried that hard since I moved out.  Ten minutes went by and I was sitting on the bank crying.  Then my phone rang.  It was my friend Steve.  He is a pastor.  I have always questioned the existence of god.  Coincidence? I’m not sure, but believe me that question burns in my mind…

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4 comments to Cry me a river…

  • Hang in there Brian. I know that’s easy for me to say, when I’m not the one going through what you are now. Still, do what you know is right. Visits to the river – although it didn’t go the way you had planned – doesn’t mean it wasn’t good for you. Maybe it’s just what you needed. I can’t say I’ve ever experienced what you are going through, but I am here if you need someone to talk to. And even if you question the existence of God, know that I will be praying for you. That you find peace in your life. That your dreams manifest into what you desire. That you can have the best family life possible with those that are important to you.

    Lances last blog post..Winds of Change

  • Lance…

    Thanks. I think that I did need to experience the fear of change that I did yesterday. I have just finished my first day at the new job. I was nervous, but by the end of the day I felt fine.

    Thanks again…

    Brian

  • catalyst

    Brian,

    As I mentioned on your thread at stevepavlina.com, I am going through similar difficulty and can relate to the pangs of loneliness and heartache. However, I can honestly say that I’m better than I was last month – progress is happening. It is all too easy for us to feel like victims, and let self-pity take hold. Unfortunately, feelings have a way of recycling themselves, so don’t be too hard on yourself if some days are worse than others.

    I truly believe that this can only make you stronger. Life gave you this challenge so you can overcome and reach deep down and bring forth your true potential. The posts in your blog to prove that transformation is already happening.

    I don’t personally know you, but I see some of me in you. You are a good man.

  • catalyst…

    Thanks for the kind words. I am glad you are doing better with your life. Remember it is a work in progress.

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