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This has been a tough weekend…

Just a quick post…

Friday night my daughter had a brithday party with her friends at our (her) house.  Steph was of course nice enough to have me over.  She is great about me and the kids.  We still had little interaction and things felt a bit tense between us.  My daughter’s party was fun.  I really like her friends, and have coached all of them in one sport or another.  It did feel weird leaving the party before everyone else did.  I still think of the house as my home.  It still hurts every time I leave my home.  Saturday was her actual birthday.  It’s hard to believe 13 years have gone by since she was born.  She is more beautiful every day.   I am blessed by all three of my children.  It was not a good feeling being apart from the mother of my childern on a birthday.  Sautrday I hung out at home because Steph had to work, it seems she is always working.  I owe so much to her for picking up my slack, she will never know what it means to me.  The kids went to my dad’s house with me to spend Saturday night.  They have almost every Saturday since the separation.  I know they would rather be at home, but like I have told them, it is this way right now.  I brought them home this morning.  Steph is at work again, but will be home soon.  I will then leave and try to fill my day without the four people I love the most.  That is hard.  It makes Sunday the hardest day of my week, every week.  What makes this Sunday harder is the small family party I will miss.  It is just going to be a few of Steph’s family.  I thought I better not stick around and be in the way.  She didn’t tell me not to stay, but Steph sounded on edge from working so much, and I don’t need to get her more upset.   I will go get a few newspapers and look for a part time job.  I can’t be picky, I have to “man up” and carry the load.  My new favorite quote is from Buddha.  It is: “A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.”  Steph is killing herself working so much.  She is tired most of the time and that has to be a huge burden.  She needs time to decompress and feel alive instead of struggling and worrying most of the time.  She has this glimmer in her eyes when she’s happy.  That is what made me fall for her almost twenty years ago.  It is really amazing to see.  It’s been gone for quite some time.  God do I miss that twinkle!

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